Why do we bury our pain deep within ourselves as if that has ever worked for anyone in the history of being alive. Best case, it will make you weird at parties, either now or later, worst case, it will ruin your children’s lives.
I know I have been guilty of it. Using sex, food, alcohol and people to distract myself from that overpowering darkness that looms within. Using distractions to ignore the emptiness instilled by others before me who have so confidently chosen to bury their pain within.
I did my time dealing with those moment in my childhood when I felt all alone. Those moments when I didn’t have anyone looking after me and my needs. Those times an ‘adult’ chose to invite me to the dark side by bulldozing any boundaries and planting a time bomb within me instead. I did my time.
Still somehow, I managed to not decline their invitation. Somehow I still ended up choosing distractions over facing my darkness just like those who came before me.
Anything, so I didn’t have to face that empty feeling and the fact that I do not know what is meant to be in its place. I am done trying to escape that dark emptiness that I am so desperately trying to fill, inviting the usual noisy suspects.
I have this suspicion that there isn’t anything on the outside that could ever come close to filling that space with purpose while I am finding glimpses of something lighter that fills that space with love as if it has never had any other thing to do.
“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”
Alan W. Watts