Being Selfish

Four weeks ago, I selfishly moved to a city I had only visited once before, for three weeks, seven years ago, just because I really wanted to.

I knew I would fall in love with a huge city with bike lanes, reliable public transport and an endless scene of creative peeps. I knew I would love being surrounded by like-minded people again.

I finally made the decision to move because I felt deprived of attention. No one was listening to me! While I can handle that from guys in their late forties who think they know better, there was one person that was not listening who was too important.

It’s me, everyone. It was me all along.

For some reason something else had taken control over ME quite some time ago, it had incredibly good reasoning skills and it would not listen to anything I tried to say out loud that was coming from the heart.

“Um.. hi… I… have this.. weird feeling around my chest area whenever I think of living in a big city with bike lanes and vegan restaurants, so I had this thought that maybe, just maybe I would like to, someday.. ummmm.. live in Melb…” 

“YOU WHAT! You can’t even open a banana peel by yourself, how can you think you deserve to do what you truly desire.” 

“Nevermind.”

I knew I would love this city but for most of the last seven years I had ignored that feeling. To be fair, I did also get a little distracted by other activities, some draining (full-time jobs and study) some pretty fun.

“If I could have it my way, I would live in Melbourne.” 

I had ignored where I truly wanted to live while also ignoring what I truly wanted to do.

“If I could do anything, I would want to be an actress.”

I could not afford to be this selfish 

Together with those big, scary changes I wanted to make in my life, I also ignored myself and my own silly, little needs on a much smaller scale. When my need for quiet time to recharge my batteries coincided with any social event, I would always go out and be social because I could not afford to be selfish, or appear rude to others.

Have a guess just how enjoyable those social encounters were, for myself and others.

I realised that all I needed was to be a little rude. I realised how easily we also ‘run ourselves down’. We ignore the signs our body is giving us. We ignore our body trying to tell us to follow our heart and do what feels right, or to take some time off, or to say no to something we think we cannot afford to miss.

The cost of it all is drawn-out emotional and physical imbalance

We put all this pressure on ourselves but still expect our body and mind to function. It should not feel like such a surprise that we end up with a sore back, a headache, real nice breakouts, or feel constantly tired, when not being rude is consistently more important than listening to our own intuition.

Not showing up to something I had said yes to two weeks ago might feel like something I cannot afford but I finally realised that, in the long run, it is the time spent finding my balance again after that I can no longer afford.

Since realising all of this, miraculously, I had to spend a lot less time trying to live with that cranky bitch that is looking back at me in the mirror every morning who has felt completely ignored and insignificant for the past twenty-six years. (Still a bitch but not that cranky anymore.)

Now I just have to figure out those times that bitch is right and I get to stay home, and when it is time to show up because opportunity is knocking. So far, all I had to do is listen to my intuition; it is usually pretty spot on.