Things have been quiet over here for a few months. I have been doing a ton of what I have been writing about last. Healing.
A trip into my past
I have gone back to the country I grew up in, and, together with my beautiful husband on my side, I have been able to dig up some pain that was buried and stuck within me for centuries.
Now this is a big deal because I only have a very limited amount of centuries to count in this lifetime so far. I am working on counting three centuries soon but really, I am miles away from that. (!) So, counting only two and a bit centuries, this pain has been with me nearly all my life.
Surfacing that pain helped me perform my first big trick. Something I’ve been conditioned all my life NOT to do. Something I have been very afraid to do: speaking my truth when someone I love tells me the exact opposite is true.
I held onto what I felt was true and while I would like to say I screamed it for the whole world to hear, I only said it out loud. I spoke my truth because I knew it was necessary. I might have only whispered it – but that was enough.
Then, for the first time ever, I left the country I grew up in, thinking, I would really like to stay just a bit longer.
A step towards an even better future
I came back home, with my husband, to work on the hardest decision I have made in a long time. My heart was longing to spend time chasing that one thing that makes my heart burst with joy. (It’s.. being an idiot. Or, making a fool of myself. Or, holding the whole world in my hands. Some call it acting.)
Chasing that dream meant spending time away from my little family. I could think of a million reasons why I would not want to spend one single day away from that deadly husband-dog-combo.
I listened to all of those reasons, those I had already told myself and those I heard for the first time from someone else. And still, following what feels right and stepping outside of my comfort zone for a chance to make a fool of myself once again had such great urgency that I could not ignore it.
After what felt like a whole year of recovery, with a big bang at the end, I could not wait to try to do some of the things I hadn’t been able to do my whole life.
Searching for safety, while ignoring the feeling there was never going to be a safe place in the world, is no longer my priority. I am ready to look for something bigger, something better.
“Don’t ever give up pursuing what’s gonna make you feel most alive.”