There is no need to overcomplicate life, right?
Generally I know what I want: marriage equality (upd YAYYY!! FINALLY!!), an abundance of vegan deliciousness cooked for me, and an ice-cold beer when I get home from a long day (or wake up, in the morning, or any other time, really).
Still, there are a few other things that I know I wanted all my life. My problem is that I then spend the second half of my life coming up with reasons as to why I don’t really want them anymore.
Is this the definition of ‘adulting’?
I tried being a badass, butt-kicking, amazingly talented actress once and ‘it didn’t work’. I wanted it more than it wanted me and if I learnt one thing from college.. (sorry, I have been watching too many American movies) being a woman, or human in general, is that I cannot look desperate.
Somehow, over the past ten years, I turned into a brand ambassador for self-manipulation. And even though I showcase my work on instagram and other platforms (#masterofselfmanipulation), no one is giving me any money for it.
(Well except from that time I decided to do accounting instead of an acting,.. that was fairly lucrative once I paid those tuition fees off.)
Since discovering that I do tend to manipulate myself from time to time and, given that life is not always as easy as an ice-cold beer making my day, here are some signs to look out for when you think there is something you kind of wanted all your life but feel something (YOU) is standing in your way. For me it goes something like this:
I gotta go to the toilet (NOW)
I’m assuming you don’t want any explanation with this one. It’s bad. My stomach reacts to the following..
I’m scared sh*tless
There is a war going on inside of me, between my head and my heart.
My heart tells me that it doesn’t matter if no one were ever to pay me for my passion, while my head tells me the exact balance of my bank account.
My heart is telling me that it is time to do some serious dream chasing while my head is telling me that I wouldn’t be able to pack my brand new birthday present (which is a slam ball that can be slammed but also weighs 6 kg and is not the most utilised tool when travelling or moving).
Because of that war inside of me, everything else appears incredibly hard, all of the time. And I’m scared, like a little girl having to order her ice-cream by herself for the very first time. Everything is changing! WHY can’t I keep whispering my desired ice-cream flavour in my mum’s ear instead, for her to order it?
I am a tad emotional
I cry when I think of what life could be like if I followed my heart. I cry when I think of all those opportunities I could miss out on, if I listened to my head.
The only other occasions that make me cry are when I’m walking the dog (she’s cute), practicing yoga (it’s therapeutic), or talking to anyone about anything (…). Luckily, I’m a woman and allowed to be hysterical and cry on the bus.
Who is going to win?
Head or heart?
Comfort zone or “can I have one medium-big cube of strawbe-choc-nilla in a cone-ffle, please?”
“The size of your dreams must always exceed your current capacity to achieve them. If your dreams do not scare you, they are not big enough.”
― Ellen Johnson Sirleaf
4 replies on “How I Know What I Want (Dream BIG)”
Haha Maren, your writing makes me smile. Did I ever tell you when I was an artist I used to wish that I had been born with the desire to be an accountant? The artist in the studio next to me used to daydream about being a checkout chick.
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Haha wow.. that’s funny! I would love to meet an accountant who was born with the desire to crunch those numbers! That would be inspirational.. like meeting artists and seeing their wonderful work 🙂
I love this! Thank you for sharing and for being vulnerable. I can so relate to when you said “My heart tells me that it doesn’t matter if no one were ever to pay me for my passion, while my head tells me the exact balance of my bank account.” As a writer, I feel like I always have something inside of me that needs to be let out. Keep blogging, writing, exploring and adventuring! – Lindsay from http://www.justthiscrazylife.com
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Oh yes.. let it all out!! I have to remind myself constantly to keep chasing those creative dreams and not get too comfortable in that oh-so cosy comfort zone. Thanks for reading, Lindsay 🙂
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