I want to share my latest AirBnB review with you:
“Maren is a quiet, easy-going guest.”
There you have it. I’m officially kissing goodbye to all that German rigidity.
You are always driving in the fast lane of the highway because that is your favourite lane?
No worries. I’m easy-going, mate.
You can’t see me cringing, but I am. I’m not an angry driver but please don’t do that.
Actually, I am not an angry anything.
The only time I remember being angry in the recent past is when my husband thought it was funny to shave a tiny bit of my arm. (What the hell, right?)
I remember my bonus son asking my husband if I actually ever get angry. His answer was no and that is the truth. It sounds like I am exaggerating but for once, I am not. Even you driving extremely slow on the fast lane doesn’t do it. Nothing would until very recently, until something changed.
I recently discovered that I learnt very early on in my life that anger is not a valid emotion. Anger is neither wanted nor allowed. Anger is off the table.
Unless, of course, you happen to explode and say the most insulting and painful things you can think of to your loved ones. (Waiting for the guilt to sneak in after.)
I learnt that anger means trouble and it means hurting others so if I ever felt any anger coming up, I tried to bury it as quickly as I could, and then completely replaced that anger with guilt around even having ‘anger’ in my repertoire of emotions. Shouldn’t be there, sorry mate.
Now you might be the one cringing. I bloody hope so.
If you’re not, you better start cringing, because not allowing anger is a recipe for disaster.
I found out that you can be angry without yelling at your loved ones.
(Unless your loved ones leave the toilet seat up and dribble all over the floor.. #amirite)
What led me to ‘my hidden bathtub full of anger’ (some old, accumulated anger)
One day this week I woke up early for a yoga class on the beach with my favourite Italian friend (coincidence that I learnt how to be angry since meeting an Italian? 🙂 ).
Did you read that? Yoga on the beach.
I remember finishing those 90 minutes of yoga on the beach and feeling completely zen afterwards.
And then it happened.
Maybe it happened because I was completely at ease with myself. It wasn’t gas that yoga helped me release, it was anger. For what feels like the very first time.
Anger at the breakfast table.
What made me angry (why so angry?)
Sometimes it does not matter how much you are committed to doing the right thing.
It won’t be enough.
Sometimes you have to watch your loved ones get hurt. Repeatedly. Even though they have already patched the pieces of their broken heart together many times before.
Sometimes you have to watch their kind, soft soul bleed and notice some new harshness in their demeanour.
Sometimes, no one wins.
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
– Mahatma Ghandi
We still have to return to what and who truly matters, and carry on doing what is right anyway.
The reason I didn’t end up with a review on AirBnB saying I’m an angry bird, is because I was fairly keen to let that anger go again. I struggled to access this emotions to begin with but luckily it was easier for me to let it go.
When you feel like everything is working against you, when you feel defeated by whatever inequality exists in the world, remember this one thing: you are always in control of what is going on on the inside.
You are in control of your anger.
You are in control of how you face unfairness and how you react to others hurting you deliberately or lashing out at you.
After my friend listened to me swear for at least an hour, my anger disappeared just as surprisingly quick as it showed up.
Half way through another one of my rants, my friend called the guy, who I had ignored, who nearly cut me off going through a roundabout, ‘a little a*hole’ under her breath.
And I couldn’t help but laugh.