We have now been ‘husband and wifing’ for a whole month. Yayyy! I always thought that nothing would really change for us after getting married. I never expected that I would feel any different. But it does feel different. It’s hard to put into words, except maybe that it feels warm and cozy.
I also never had this vision of my wedding day; what my dress would look like, what the place would look like, what the husband would look like (well just in recent years I did get an idea about that one). Maybe that is why it took me so long to find the dress (the other two were as easy as falling off a log compared to that dress business!)
The reason for that might have been that I was never sure that ‘I would get there’. For a long time I thought that I would never ever convince anyone that I would be ‘good enough’ to marry. And some of those doubts still remain within me, but buried pretty deep. I scratched on the surface of these thoughts, but then again, sometimes it feels like that is all I’ve done. I’ve merely scratched on the surface. Enough to be happy most of the time. But I can feel that there is more work to be done.
Thinking back to our big day is a wonderful memory, filled with smiling people that we truly love (oh and OUR SMILES. I smiled like crazy while Geoff had a cute little smirk on his face. So cool. Way TOO cool). So you could say, it went well.
Other than this little sneak peak, we haven’t seen many photos of the day just yet. The photographer and videographer are tinkering away, while our guests didn’t take many photos. That is because we encouraged everyone to put their phones away during the ceremony, so that they could be in the moment with us.
And most continued on not taking many photos, which may as well have contributed to the beautiful vibe. Or maybe it was because we were surrounded by beautiful people. Either way, we loved seeing everyone’s faces looking up and smiling at us (or looking cross-eyed in the vicinity of our table because we did serve delicious wine).
With my family visiting from Germany, and our plans to go away again at the end of the year, we didn’t go on a honeymoon. Well I actually never understood why people would WANT TO leave their family and friends after the wedding. I always thought I would be so thrilled to have many many after parties the days following our wedding.
Let’s say: I get the concept of the honeymoon now. #loveyouguys
But the last four weeks certainly felt like a honeymoon, whenever that husband of mine did so much as smile at me. I felt completely at ease, head over heels, and so happy.
Having my groove back and thinking back to our wedding day, one thing stood out for me: during the night I found myself looking around and here they were, my friend crushes. Since arriving in Australia seven years ago, I have met people. (No, really! I have. I know, right!)
With some of the people I’ve met, it went something like this: I completely and utterly fell in love with them. I mean, as soon as they said one word to me, or told a really bad joke, instantaneously, I wanted to be their best friend forever. I was so in love with them that I didn’t really know how my life could carry on without them in it. They were SO FUNNY! And so smart. And so kind. They were the kindest people I have ever met.
How could they not see it? We were meant to be together.
Well quite often, somehow, they didn’t see it.
So then it went something like this: I LOVED them. They threw a party and invited everyone else from work, except me. Maybe because we only spoke once, at work, about work. I got terribly insulted and wouldn’t speak to them the next time we’d see each other, at work, talking about work. And from then on they were convinced I was terribly rude. In turn, I didn’t invite them to my wedding after I had left that job and we never spoke again for the next five years.
Weird things like this didn’t just happen to me with people. I wilfully applied the same principle to most things I really wanted to manifest in my life. I had no idea how to have what I really wanted. I didn’t just not know the part where you go for it and work hard for what you want. I also didn’t know how to actually allow myself to have anything good. More so, I wasn’t convinced that I even deserved anything good. And then, of course, I had no idea what “manifestation” was. You could say, I was a little lost.
So I kept being rude to my co-workers and/or friend crushes for a few more years.
Somehow, still: I looked around at our wedding reception, and here they were, smiling back at me. The most amazing, the kindest, the funniest, and the smartest people I have met so far. (Representing Australia. Not much of Germany. Because 16,000km, and because air fares.)
Growing up I developed a voice inside of me that would always, at all times, tell me that I’m no good. Not just when I failed, but always. Of course it was the strongest when I failed, because it got to say “See. Told you you were no good.”
It kept me from forming some friendships. It kept me from trusting the friendships I had. It kept me from pursuing what I wanted. It kept me from smiling.
It told me, not one single person I liked wanted anything to do with me.
It told me, THAT guy is definitely not interested in me.
It told me, I wasn’t good enough at what I always dreamt of doing. So I didn’t even try to learn.
Whenever someone put me down, it screamed: SEE! I TOLD YOU SO.
And I didn’t say anything.
But, I still had another voice in my head as well that sometimes mouthed inaudibly: You are good enough. Life is meant to feel good.
And with the help from a friend, and a therapist, and a lot more friends, and a few more therapists, I managed to turn that whisper into a proper voice, while slowly telling the other screaming voice to be quiet every now and then.
So besides the reason that marrying the biggest one of my crushes is making me incredibly happy (never wanted to be just friends either, have you seen him?), I’ve also been on a high, and at ease, because I get to call these friend crushes just friends. I saw the power of allowing myself to manifest amazing friendship right in front of me.
Your vibe attracts your tribe
It helped to talk about things that have happened that shaped me. And it helped to talk about things important people had said to me that contributed to me thinking that I was no good. And here is something I therefore don’t understand: the stigma around seeing a therapist.
If your body is out of alignment, you might go and see a chiropractor. If you struggle reading this, you might decide to go see an optometrist. If you dunno howda eglisch (like me), you might go and see a speech pathologist or get some English lessons. If your cookies to lifetime ratio is a little out of balance and you have already ruined your teeth way before you get your thirds, you might finally decide to go to the bloody dentist. In other words, you see an expert if you don’t want to rip that tooth out with the old door trick.
If you’re not happy, and you don’t really know why, if you have beliefs that you can’t shake that keep your happiness at bay, if you carry emotional burdens with you that were passed onto you by previous generations, why don’t you see a therapist? A good one! You don’t have to see them for the rest of your life, or invite them to your wedding (You can see mine in the photo, standing on the right. That little smiley face right next to our good old friend… I am definitely messing with you. I didn’t do that one), but you can decide to see them for as long as they help you.
And, of course not everyone needs a therapist, so the other big thing that has helped me, is to read. Lots. I know someone might laugh at you for browsing the self-help aisle in the bookshop, but that is only because they are dicks. Ignore them. Go ahead and help yourself. No really, it is your responsibility. Otherwise, you might end up being the dick yourself, and no one wants that.